FATTA at HAWAII

My o my two days down 7 more to go and for real I feel like a hippo. It's wonderful. This is one reason why I love Hawaii... I get to sleep lots, eat, read and chilax just all the time and it really is great. I will work out lots when I get back because Whitney and I are going to train for the Salt Lake half marathon. O man, It'll be great so for now I'm going to eat a lot and just really enjoy myself. :) I will take lots of pictures for everyone of the awesome time I've been having here.

Actors lives are

A HOLE BUNCH OF CRAP

Okay, so I'm working out in the gym today, and I really wanted to watch the Jazz game, but no stations were playing it. So I settled for NCIS... which is never settling. Some of the better tv on tv. But also on the screens was playing the peoples choice awards. Okay. I decided after watching like 40 min of it (interspersed between NCIS of course) that all famous people (besides maybe keith urban and Sandra Bullock who I always love because they seem to be real and humble.) live in there own really really distorted world. They all looked way too good for their own good, and acted so 'humble' when they recieved their awards, but inside you know they're thinking... YEAH, i got that, I'm awesome, I'm beautiful, I'm the best... it's not cuz of god or my fans or cuz of my family, it's cuz I'm awesome. I kept looking at the screen then at the people I was surrounded by, and yes, some of the people working out in the gym have bodies and faces much like those of the famous people on choice awards, but really, we're all so 'mediocur/normal'.

So, I guess the point is that I'm really glad that I'm not one of those famous people on the screen living in their own fantasy world. Hollywood looks like such a fantacy world. Until you hear things like what happened to Brittany Murphy or Tiger Woods... they really don't love what they're doing or what their lives are. It's us true livers in the world that have it good. We get to love and live for real. We don't have people on our backs all the time watching our every move and exposing our every flaw.

The other insight I had yesterday and a little today, is that life is what you make it. HAHAHAH CLICHE to the max, but really, it is. You got to be happy with who you are, and looking back you'll never ever be ashamed or mad about that.

Happy new semester and winter --> spring time everyone. Take strength courage and wisdom. It's bomb.

O ps. My list of top 5 best TV shows on TV this winter.

1.) Ugly Betty (YOU KNOW IT... I've had this thing for this show for a few years. Maybe it's because I can relate to and learn from America Fararra's character in that she struggles for everything, but somehow is positive through all the poopy things that happen to her... And the love stuff that goes on in this show makes it great. )

2.) Community (This show is hilarious. I love it more probably because I'm in college, but still it cracks me up in random ways and it's good watching. Pretty stinking clean too)

3.) White Collar (This is one of my new found loves, and actually a new found love of my families. It's about an ex con who gets out of jail to help the feds catch the bad guys while he searches for his lost lover. Um good... and FREAK the main character is ATTRACTIVE.)

4.) Psych (hilarious. lol funny. just good stuff.)

5.) NCIS (my family is going to laugh because I've always complained about this show. I just decided I really do like it... it seems to always be on, and it's never disappointing. I like that in a show.)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS BREAK

Just wishing you all a happy couple of weeks full of joy and relaxation. :) I'm searching for that too, but just wanted to wish it to you all.

Santa is fantastic, and my parents have been so generous. I love them and appreciate so fully all that they've done for me. Love you!

Also, thank you to our father in heaven for sending this earth and all of our souls his son and our brother Jesus Christ. May we remember the aw-full sacrifice that was done by our Savior.

Irony

For reals. That's what I've been doing inside of my head all day today. Because of what my life is, and what paths i've chosen to go down. It's all so coincidential, it's funny. So first off, lets discuss the book new moon. I really don't like the twilight series. First of because Bella Swan, the main character in those books, is SO not a woman for girls to look up to! She is so needy and can't get over things without the aid of a man. She is 'nothing' without men, and seriously Stephanie Myer. Our gender is so much better then what you make it out to be. I can't believe that I'm even supporting her by reading this saga... but I need to understand the story etc. to be able to go on with things. So anyways. That's that. And I just laugh because I'm a slight feminist, and I can't believe I'm giving in to this fantasy world that Ms. Myer has created for girls. Gross... ha.

Reason number two. This year I've been trying to be less selfish and more kind to others. To think of what others need before my own needs, but this week with christmas coming and living in sandy for a few weeks, I've been more selfish then ever. Isn't it ironic how when we are supposed to be focusing on others and what they need from us, I focused (and I'm sure we've all kind of understood this) on myself and what I needed to do. It's HORID and I'm trying to be better... but I feel sort of relief at the fact that just reading for fun is possible.

Reason number three. I have had a job since almost the second I turned 16. I have taught piano lessons, worked as a ref, worked as a busser, worked as a newspaper editor, worked as a swimming teacher, worked as a coach, worked as a diet tech in a hospital, and now I am working at bath and body works. I don't know why i've been programed to think that I need a job all of the time, but it's been a really benificial thing I think. I've learned a lot through my various jobs, but still, I am not happy in these jobs. Bath and Body is fun, but I don't love working. (who does)... so Irony in this is that I make myself do things that I don't want to do... stupid kelsey... o well.

Reason number four. I have been talking myself in and out of this boy for the last two years. I have been avoiding my heart and mind, I have been digging into the scriptures and prayer for answers, but never really taking time to figure it out slowly with deep thought... It seems that no matter what I do, he comes back into my life, things with him and without him happen, and I don't know what I should feel. It scares me to think that this could be the only true relationship I'll ever experience, yet the more I think about it and forever, the more I like the idea. My friends are getting engaged left and right, or falling into like with people, or having boys tell them that they love them, but me? I've been dating boys in and out of the ward, and have had no such luck with any of them. It was all easier when I didn't date anyone last year, and never let my heart think about relationships. Irony? Again, I'm possibly making myself miserable by the decisions I make every day. What should I do about it all? I'll avoid that thought for another year and a half. ;)

Last one. My college career and life plans. The more and more I think about what I want to do with the next few years of my life, the less and less I get excited about it. That's the wrong way to think about things isn't it? I should be excited at the prospect of being in the health field somehow or teaching people about health myself. I should be excited to work towards my goals, but mostly I'm scared. Is that normal? I dunno.

all in all... I'm confused. I thought that the break may help me to figure all this out, but now I am unsure. I'm scared... and I feel pressure from some outside force to figure it all out...

ANY SUGGESTIONS? Sorry blog and readers. You function as both my journal and my outlet for answers.

FINALS TIME

Yikes! I can not can not believe that it's already time for finals and intense studying and STRESS! Man, I just finished today a 10 page essay final for my Asian Humanities class that my professor thought would only take us 3 hours to complete. Too bad it took me 4 times that much time to complete. Thank you to my cute mom who spent her morning this morning fixing all my editorial mistakes. Love you mom!

Here's a secret, I actually like finals time in a sense because that's when I get a chance to review all the material that I have learned throughout the semester and it makes me think... hey Kels, you're actually pretty smart... :) Until of course, I go to the testing center and the score on the screen does not give me a Perfect, Good Job, or Excellent... and then, I just laugh because that's my life in college... usually I'm the one that walks out of the testing center de-jected and calling her mamma to cry and complain about her failure... ha ha! But everyone, I will tell you right now that I will NOT get lower then a C on any of my finals. I'm hoping for 4 a's and a C+ at least... so... for this week I will say...

WISH ME LUCK! :)

Also, I just want to give a shout out to my beautiful sister in law Jacee who had her baby last night at 3:45. His name is Bryson Christopher Clayton, and seriously, he's the cutest kid! 9 lbs. 9 oz. and 21 inches long! Huge and precious. Love you guys!

Twilight, Shower, Marriage, and Thanksgiving!

Yes, it's time to blog about all those beautiful things.

So, my roommates from freshman year, and my roommates now went to the midnight premiere of NEW MOON, the second installment of the Twilight series. O what fun! ha ha... it was an interesting movie to say the least. It was much like Stephanie Myer's books... they are cheesy as Kraft, but they somehow make you keep wanting to turn the pages and learn about Bella (the monotone no personality or gumption girl), Edward (so not attractive to me) and Jacob (so. attractive. to. me.) So, what can I say but that I loved the experience of it and laughing in the theater with my buddies.

(me and the mates at the theater... kelly's squished by my head!)

The next thing that happened was that I threw a little shower thing for Carly Smart a

s she is getting married on thursday for all her college friends and friends from high school. W

e had a really good time catching up and getting to know what everyone was doing with their lives now. Jenn Wright helped me out and we got a lot of people there I was surprised.

Carly is going to be the best wife ever and such a great girl. She's so happy and in love it's great.

(me, Carly, and Jenn at the shower)

Now... the last thing that's been going on is people getting married left and right and engaged. I'm used to it now I think. It's the stage of life I'm in I guess so I should be used to it as much as I can... ha ha... anyways. I made a list yesterday of all the people I know from high school who are married or are engaged. 14 people as of yesterday. Who knows how many it will be tomorrow. Plus. I have three really good friends who are talking about marriage in the summer. Yep. 19/20 year olds. We're so young. what the heck is the rush? I dunno... but these ladies and gentlemen that I'm speaking of are all great people and they deserve to be happy and in love. It's most DEFINITELY not my time, and I don't want it to be. I would like to live single life for a few more years and keep growing up, experiencing, and learning about myself before I can commit to anyone else.

Thanksgiving was wonderful! I had a whole week to sleep in and work for mom (which I secretly love doing because it's really rewarding... clean house and christmas decor up... love you home!) and also got some homework done... though not enough to get by easily these next couple of weeks. I took a few moments throughout the week to think about what I'm especially grateful for this year. I think this is my list of top 5...

1.) Supportive and loving Family

2.) Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ

3.) Wonderful friends and roommates

4.) Confidence in myself

5.) Priesthood blessings and callings

It's a different list then lists in the past. I used to be most thankful for the food I was eating (he he) and then family, friends, blankets, shelter etc.

Now... Things in life have changed.

I'm reading a book called 'the hiding place' for school. It's a true story about a lady and her family during WWII. She faces so so many challenges and whitnesses so many tragic events... but through it all, she is positive and KNOWS that god is in everything.

So I guess my favorite part and thing that I'm sincerely grateful for this year is that God is in everything that goes on in my life and in the lives of people that I know and love. Without that knowledge I would be a different person completely.

SNOW TIMES

The official first snow of the season is today! It just put me in the best mood! Happy whiteness. You are a gift from God for me today to make me feel better. Love you!!

Fighting off satan

Why is it that when life is going so well, bam. Satan gets you. I experience this all to often. I'll be doing well and feeling like things are positive, and then my mind starts to wander and my esteem starts to fail. Thoughts like 'You're not doing enough, you don't deserve to be here, you're not smart enough, you aren't as funny as her, he'll never like you, just give up on lacrosse... you don't get respect from it anyway... etc' enter my mind, and I feel useless. These are only a few of the thoughts that I've been experiencing. Sometimes, i just want to hide away from the world.

This last weekend, Brandi and I went down to St. George to run the Snow Canyon half marathon. I was lucky enough to have my cute mom and Whitney drive with me down there and then come home with me straight after the race for the 'so you think you can dance' concert. I was on a weekend high from running the race, accomplishing something that I wanted to do for myself, and something that made me a little bit different. It was a way to connect with my good buddy, and do something that I love and am passionate about. I am very grateful to have had this experience, but that high has faded, and I am just back to Provo life. It's a hard atmosphere to be in. I feel like there is so much social pressure to be 'perfect' in every aspect. I am human, and I DEFINITELY make mistakes. It sometimes seems as if no one else does.

The interesting thing about all of this is that today Elder Huntsman gave a devotional talk and inside of it he said, "There is no education like adversity. God did not put us here to fail. Stay true in the dark, and humble in the light. Between you and the Lord, you can accomplish your dreams." Isn't it interesting how every time you feel like nothing's going your way, our Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ save you... through words, actions of others, or just simple random conversations that they purposely put in your way. It's always the little things, you just have to be looking for them...

And then... your dreams do not seem out of reach,

but Possible.